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Once I came out of physio and bought my gym membership, I knew it could be a way to start naturally transitioning because the waiting times for gender-affirming care are really long.
I changed my wardrobe, which was empowering and affirming.
But it did bring up more dysphoria, because I was like, "Well actually, this is highlighting things that maybe weren't brought to my attention before."
It was a very weird, rocky time. I thought, "What can I change while I'm waiting for hormones and top surgery?"
I was working to see if I could change some of my habits, to get a little bit more muscular and feel a bit more masculine, whatever that meant to me personally.
The relationship between gender and sports for me meant seeing what I could do to make my shoulders broader, make my hips narrower – a physical way to kick dysphoria's arse.
During my first time round at the gym, I didn't know what I was doing and didn't have an absolute clue. It was just 'pick and mix' in the exercises. But I was showing up and knew that I wanted to be in that space.
Eventually I got a personal trainer, and that was truly revolutionary – I Iearned how to do everything properly. I had really clear goals, and went on to have some of the best coaches.
I became a coach myself, and wanted to compete as a bodybuilder, but knew I’d also have to stop training for top surgery. So it was three years in the making to get to this moment where I can compete.
Now, I'm head coach at the Misfits and I prioritise LGBTQ+ people. I'm also building a fitness app for LGBTQI+ people, with language that’s really personalised and tailored – by the community and for the community.
I think back to the time when I was ill, and how the app could‘ve helped me. I wish I had a big bro and some guidance in my time in the gym.
[As told to @Ragi Gupta — continued..]